What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 03:25
She loved him until the end.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
When she asked me how she looked .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
This is soul school!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But it wasn’t much.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My friend asked my crush and he said my crush hates me but not in a rude way. What does that mean?
Ive learnt so much.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She was in good health!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Are Indian youths conservative or liberal?
I couldn’t, believe it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was very sick at this time too.
She married twice! .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was 9 years of age.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She wouldn,t have been !
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So whats the point in blame.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I said to her
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My family never makes their pension either.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I think the readers, may guess!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She found it foreign!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Would this be the day?
But, we were locked up after school.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He knew the spot.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was seconnd youngest,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
What did i know ?
I have no regrets .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We all went to grammer schools
Put me off passion for life!!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We were not on the streets..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And i lived it daily.
My life is so biszare .
Comes on , in middle age.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
It was going to be , some day.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I could never make a relationship work though!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im still living with it.
I was scared of men, in general
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I don,t even have a pension.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I will be 64.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
All the time i was locked up.
One cannot live in the past .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I waited trembling.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Who then, do I blame.?
So, i spoilt her more .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I write beautiful poetry .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.